I'm kind of drifting at the moment. Content to sometimes go to church and sometimes not. Happy to live according to some commandments while ignoring others. Reconciled, for the moment, to letting my parents and family believe what they will about my church activity (mostly that I'm the stalwartly active member I've always been in their minds) regardless of my actual thoughts and ideas about the church. And I'm okay with this. Mostly.
I don't want to live in this double way, voicing my true beliefs here and to certain friends who will not respond with sorrow and anger to how I feel while maintaining a different face publicly. But I also do not want to deal with the pain and anger and confrontation of living my beliefs openly.
To be honest, I'm not sure what "living my beliefs openly" actually means. Is it really necessary to proclaim my beliefs to those around me? Must I openly state my heterodox understandings of the gospel to be genuine? Can I not simply be without having to bear testimony to the beliefs that inform that being?
These are earnest questions to which I do not know the answers. I am constantly moved to speak--to share my own perspectives and ideas. Part of me believes this is the natural offspring of my Mormon heritage, which has strongly emphasized testifying. Another part of me believes it is the remnants of a belief that I must be right, and in being right I must help others to see rightly. I don't want to do that though--to believe so strongly that I am right that I proselytize, trying to convert others to my way of thinking. I simply want to be. Maybe the problem is that somehow I still feel a need for the church's, my parents', my community's permission to be as I am.
But there, in those last few words, is the catch: "to be as I am." The thing is I already am what I am. And I will continue being, even as I grow and evolve. I don't need anyone's permission to be as I am, because I am already. And there is, I think, the reason I am content to simply be at the moment. To stop bucking and fighting and kicking and screaming. Because in my heart, I know myself. And I like who I am.
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I feel like we are in very similar places right now, wanderer. What you said about not wanting "to live in this double way" but also not wanting "to deal with the pain" you might cause by being open about who you are now really resonates with me. And I have found that things can go on quite nicely with my family when I let them assume "the usual" about me. For now it is fine. But I don't know if I'll want it to be this way forever.
ReplyDeleteI also love what you said here:
"I simply want to be. Maybe the problem is that somehow I still feel a need for the church's, my parents', my community's permission to be as I am."
Yes! I want to be validated!! I want them to tell me I'm okay. But I can't expect it and so I won't. Honestly, if I asked myself of 7 years ago to validate myself of today, I don't think I could do it.
Thank you for this post.